That's the honest truth, right there. Three words.
I'm okay I guess.
But I feel hollow. Like there's a gigantic black hole where my insides should be and it's sucking all the good things away from the inside out. I feel heartless. Not like cold and distant. Like my heart's been ripped away.
I don't always feel this way, and I didn't used to ever feel like this. But I know that it's always there waiting. The black hole, eating me up.
She's afraid. She's so afraid. She scratches her arm with safety pins and cries in the middle of the night because she feels so alone on the inside.
I hate her.
I hate everything about her.
And I know I shouldn't and I try to love her but I just can't. I used to think she was beautiful. I want to love her. I really do.
But when I feel like this I don't see anything worth loving in my reflection.
I don't know what you're going to think about this post. I'm still not sure what I think. I just don't want you to hate me the way I do. Am I crazy? I guess I must be.
My friend was at my house today. She found a razor blade in my room. I promised her I'd never used it. I wasn't lying. I'm afraid of it.
I think if I use it, I'll be completely lost.
Safety pins just seem safer.
It's been almost a month since the last time I cut through. That must count for something.
I hate myself more when I see the way my mom looks at me sometimes. She's so worried, and I hate making her feel that way.
I must have a heart still. Because it hurts. It really hurts. A dull ache in my chest reminding me that I'm still human. I don't want to be human. I want to be an photon. Zipping around at the speed of light, floating to my destination faster than the blink of an eye.
I already feel small and invisible enough.