Rose Petals

(This is a post I started writing a little over a month ago and never finished. I finally got around to writing more of it and I thought I would share it with you)

Friday afternoon.
Had a hard time. Felt like crap, and all empty inside.
So I went for a walk.

As I was walking, I started thinking. But they weren't happy thoughts. It was like, having a voice inside my head, that I know doesn't belong to me, whispering all my insecurities in my ear.

Worthless. Stupid. Ugly. Fat. A failure. Useless. Shit artist. You should just die.

It's hard to ignore yourself.
I angrily snatched a rose from off its bush, and kept walking.

But I heard music. Somebody was practicing. It wasn't piano, or guitar, or any other western instrument. It was a huge, Chinese stringed instrument. (I looked it up, its called a guzheng.)

The musician wasn't old, as I had expected. As I walked past her house, where she was playing in her garage, I saw that she was a teenager. No older than I. And that seemed to make her playing sound even more beautiful.

I wanted to listen more, but I didn't want to seem creepy and stand in the driveway, so I sort of stood behind a hedge. yes, I do know that's still pretty creepy.

I stared at the rose. It was beautiful. It was the colors of a sunset, red at the base that faded into yellow.

You'll never be that beautiful, whispered the little voice. "I'm not ugly..." I whispered and tossed a rose petal to the ground. The voice stayed silent. I tried again.
"I'm not stupid." Still nothing. I threw down another petal.

It made me feel stronger.

I kept going, throwing down the petals, and contradicting my previous statements, until I had changed them all. I felt bold. I tossed a petal in front of me and quietly whispered "I'm beautiful. I'm smart. I'm talented. I have a purpose."

I threw the rest of the rose to the ground and ran all the way to the coffee shop without looking back.

I'd like you all to meet someone

As you may have noticed I mentioned really briefly in my last post, I have a boyfriend! I would like to introduce you to The Terrorist. He picked it, okay? He plays a lot of Counter-strike...
I was going to draw a picture of him but it wasn't good.

Nice things:

He's really sweet

He likes cuddling

He has gorgeous eyes

He's funny

He wears cool t-shirts

He's an awesome kisser

He sometimes wears glasses, but he usually wears contacts

He makes me smile even when I'm just thinking about him

He likes playing videogames and doesn't mind that I'm bad at them

He likes a lot of the same stuff as I do

He understands how forgetful I am, and always knows when I can't find my phone

He's absolutely wondertastic

Soapbox: Feminist Equality Colors Rant

Today in french class we were playing Hangman. Hangman is difficult in french, because every word basically ends with "e."
That is not what this rant is about.

If you didn't already know this, my French class is an online one, so the students comunicate mostly via chat box and microphone, and our teacher has a webcam. It's pretty cool.

One of the students, Monique I believe, (This is her "French class name." We all have one basically. Mine is Déesse.) was picking the word, so she got to use the whiteboard application thing to do it.

She drew the little hangman thing, and seven letter places. The first person guessed a letter, and she filled in a letter space in a different color. Then from the chat box  one of the boys said "Woah those are girly colors."
She was doing it in purple and teal.

It's not that I have a problem with being girly. Often people think feminists are man hating tomboys in pantsuits and tight buns. We aren't. I'm a multicolored haired, long skirt wearing, teenager with an awesome boyfriend. I only have a problem that he was using girly to describe colors.

People don't seem to get that colors are not inherently connected to a specific gender. Not purple, not pastell teal, not pink, not blue, not rainbow. None of the above.

I mentioned this, and somebody else* said that I was right, but pastell colors are calm and relaxing and welcoming. Like women I guess was the point he was trying to make.
Women aren't inherently calm and relaxing either. I mean, just look at me!

Of course I got kind of angry. I do that. I will freely admit that it pisses me off when color and gender based (or really anything based) stereotypes are called in as a good argument. But you know what's better to do than shouting angrily in all caps into a chat box? writing a reasonable blog post.

The issue kind of disappeared before the end of class, drifting away into the back of our minds. But it still bugs me, because this was something I've brought up before in class. I guess it's no wonder her word was "mauvais."

PDS, Lady E

* I would like to point out that not all the guys in my class were on the other side of the argument. I have mad respect for the guy who changed his chat color to bright pink after this conversation. Good on you, B.K.

Valerie Speaks her Mind.

Woooooah, two posts in one day? Yes. But this one is a real post and the other isn't even a paragraph. So it's all good.

Here is a snippet from my novel for NaNo :D

“Oh. My. God.”

Yes! He thought. She would admit her love for him, and that Andrew was just okay. He would be her boyfriend. 

“I cannot believe you Alex! Really? Now?”

Okay, this wasn’t how he’d expected it. “I spent the past two years waiting for you to man up and ask me out!” she shouted.

“But… You’re all about empowerment. I thought you would…”

“I knew you liked me! You just didn’t have any guts! You never have!”

“Valerie…”

“No! You missed your god damn chance. I gave you every opportunity, and you only muster up the courage when I’m already with someone else!” 

“I just wanted to wait until the right time.”

“And the right time is now?!” She breathed a deep sigh. “Look, Alex. I moved on. I decided that I’m too strong to sit around pining after a child who refuses to be anything else. Now Andrew is here, and I like him. I really really like him, and he likes me. I deserve this okay? I’m not going to ditch someone who appreciates me, and I appreciate, just because you decided jealousy was the right motivator for honesty.”

Yep. Valerie is awesome. I'm going to go a write a crying Alex. Bye!

P.S: Have you checked out Pickle And Potato? Because you should. 

P.P.S You know you're best friends when you're deciding to make a large block of text in Times New Roman, and you catch yourself thinking, "This is Potato's favorite font!"

I can haz teh pretteh blog?

I think I'm going to redesign this mess of a blog... It's going to be gorgeous. Or stupid looking, but let's hope for the first.

This Happened A Month Ago...

 ...And I almost fainted and I'm still quite happy because I my comment was well thought out even though I used the wrong form of "their" but shush because Bing replied to my comment and two words made my day super awesome.

The Video (It's one of my favorites)

And yes, that comma-less mess was going to be the title but it looked silly. And I'm totally not a silly person. Ever.

Excited for NaNo

(Partially writing so you know that i still exist)

NaNoWriMo is coming up and I am HUMONGOUSLY excited.

This year I'm writing a mystery story within a mystery story. This will be my first year writing from a single character perspective, and (unless you count Nate Blackwall, and really, who does?) my first time writing a male character in first person. Oh yeah, it's a really complicated plot too.

This might be a travesty. But it could also be glorious. Anyways, I thought I would give you a brief introduction to my characters (sorry no pictures, my scanner hates me):

Alex Cohen

Our hero. A sixteen year old boy who is really into detective novels and mysteries. He's a member of several online mystery forums. His favorite series is about a Private Eye named Jack Flint, and his sidekick Arthur Johnson. He thinks Arthur Johnson is kind of stupid. He has always wanted to investigate something, but he doesn't want anyone to have to die first. His best friend is Valerie Sun, and he's had a thing for her since fifth grade. She knows this.

Valerie Sun

If Alex Cohen is quirky, Val Sun is downright weird. Her hobbies include playing the violin, keeping a  top secret daily journal for the best eight years that she allows herself one sentence to describe each day,  and drawing dead people. Yes. She enjoys watching the news and drawing people who died. This hobby disturbs her friends, of which she has four. She could have more friends if she wanted, but she finds most people uninteresting. She is completely aware of Cohen's little crush on her, and she thinks he would make a great boyfriend, but she spends a lot of time denying this to herself.

Jessica Barret

Known to her online friends as "irene_addled16," Jessica is pretty shy. Her most prized possession is a striped scarf in Ravenclaw colors that she got signed by Evanna Lynch at a convention. She really enjoys speculating about TV shows online. She feels braver on the internet, anonymous. She's really funny when when you get to know her. One of her closest online friends is "jflintfan." They met once at a Baltimore meetup at the Washington Monument (not the big one in DC, the littler one in Baltimore. Duh.) She learned that his name is Alex, and that they lived on opposite ends of the city. She collects fossilized shark teeth.

Lilith Sun

Valerie's younger sister. She finds her sister's hobbies strange to say the least. They usually get on pretty well, unless Lilith's had a bad day, or Val has one of her kooky friends over. She's fourteen, and in a punk band called Gray Night with Symon Cohen and Lani Walsh. She's not overly fond of Lani, and thinks she can't play the guitar for beans, but she puts up with her because she's Symon's girlfriend and Symon is an awesome singer. Lilith is proud to be the only punk rock cellist in her school. She dyed her hair black for her fourteenth birthday, and ended up really annoyed that it wasn't much darker than her natural hair color. She gets really happy when someone notices her jet black hair, but she doesn't show it externally.

So these are just a few, but needless to say, they're pretty important :)

Black Holes.

I hate myself.
That's the honest truth, right there. Three words.

I'm okay I guess.

But I feel hollow. Like there's a gigantic black hole where my insides should be and it's sucking all the good things away from the inside out. I feel heartless. Not like cold and distant. Like my heart's been ripped away.

I don't always feel this way, and I didn't used to ever feel like this. But I know that it's always there waiting. The black hole, eating me up.

There's this girl I know.

She's afraid. She's so afraid. She scratches her arm with safety pins and cries in the middle of the night because she feels so alone on the inside.
I hate her.

I hate everything about her.

And I know I shouldn't and I try to love her but I just can't. I used to think she was beautiful. I want to love her. I really do.
But when I feel like this I don't see anything worth loving in my reflection.


I don't know what you're going to think about this post. I'm still not sure what I think. I just don't want you to hate me the way I do. Am I crazy? I guess I must be.

My friend was at my house today. She found a razor blade in my room. I promised her I'd never used it. I wasn't lying. I'm afraid of it.
I think if I use it, I'll be completely lost.
Safety pins just seem safer.

It's been almost a month since the last time I cut through. That must count for something.

I hate myself more when I see the way my mom looks at me sometimes. She's so worried, and I hate making her feel that way.

I must have a heart still. Because it hurts. It really hurts. A dull ache in my chest reminding me that I'm still human. I don't want to be human. I want to be an photon. Zipping around at the speed of light, floating to my destination faster than the blink of an eye.

I already feel small and invisible enough.

A Preview

This is a preview of my story from Starlit Castle on Friday.
(You might recognise the characters from my easier story on SC, or from my Travellers in Time.)

Fin smiled tiredly at Andy.
"Sorry I'm so exhausted. I just got back from 2009."
"What, did you have to sleep in your flying car?"he asked sarcastically. She laughed.
"Actually, I spent all night looking for my Android."
"Your what?"
"You'll see in…" she did some calculations on her fingers.
"Eleven years? Yeah that sounds about right. It's 1997, right?"
It was Andy's turn to laugh.
"Your skills are astounding as always."

Wordless Friday (It's a thing…)

Things That I do When I'm Supposed to be Doing Other Things

Oh hello.
For the next two weeks, I will post EVERYDAY.
This is gona be great for you guys. You get to watch me go crazy. Today I thought I would talk about procrastinating. I'm an expert after all...

Usually when I'm supposed to be doing something I will decide to do something else.
After some deliberation I will probably decide that the second thing is too much work, and do something even less important.
After I do that I end up doing more unnecessary things.
Especially if left to my own devices all day.

So currently, my thoughts today have gone something like this:

9:30 am: I should take a shower. OOH! YOUTUBE!

10 am: Fine I'll take a shower. *Grumble grumble.*

10:30 am: YOUTUBE IS BETTER THAN GETTING DRESSED!

11 am: Rush to get dressed so I can sign for a package

11:10: Coffee.

11:20 am: Get on the computer to do Driver's Ed

11:22 am: Hey look, Edison emailed me.

11:30 am: Stop signs... Stop signs... Yield signs...

11:45 am: I need a muffin.

12 pm: Edison emailed me back... REPLY!

12:15 pm: I have been staring at the same page for half an hour...

12:16 pm: Florence + The Machine Sing-along time!

12:18 pm: I'm going to write a blog post...

12:20 pm: Mom calls.

This is slightly  very pathetic.

At least you know where you rank on the ladder of procrastination.
See you guys tomorrow!!
PDS, Lady Elisabeth <3

look at this beautiful thing Potato and I made.

WHAT YEAR IS IT?

I've been doing some summer time travel, and my TARDIS has awful Internet. So sorry.
Also I may or may not have been taking some summer classes that involved absurd amounts of homework.

If I were you, I go with time travel. I've gotta start posting more regularly, and I will try. Starting at some undetermined point in the future, I will post everyday for an entire month.

I'll even have specific stuff for each day! It should be fun. And stressful.

Seriously though, I'm sorry guys.

PDS, LE

Forever (A poem about love)

Forever is a very long time

In the beginning of Forever

When the stars high above

Did not yet shine

My love began

Forever is a very long time

When the dust of the explosions

Still settled in empty space

When skies were born

My love was young

Forever is a very long time

When humanity was new

Painted horses danced

In the firelight

My love was bright

Forever is a very long time

In the ancient cities

Where math first lived

As new ideas

My love multiplied

Forever is a very long time

When castles had hard stone walls

When kings ruled

All they could see

My love grew vast and strong

Forever is a very long time

When new ideas were abundant

In Victoria's time

A time of finches

My love evolved

Forever is a very long time

When buildings scraped the sky

When lines were

Made useless

My love flew through the air

Forever is a very long time

Four billion years from today

When the sun grows cold

When life is dead

My love for you will endure

What do you think? I really like this one. But, it combines love, poetry, history, and I get to talk about space.

Now, as this updates automatically, I am on an six hour plane trip.  Why, you may ask. Well, because.

But seriously, we'll be visiting my aunt who I haven't seen since my birthday, and I haven't seen Potato for two years.

-LE

(By the way, I made a tumblr! Its where I'll post interesting or strange things my friends have said, along with stuff i think is cool. The URL is worse-than-tonks.tumblr.com, because Dragonchild upon seeing me with blue streaks in my hair a while back stated, "It's blue now! you're worse than Tonks!")

GUESS THAT EXCUSE!!!!

Hey, remember me? I'm that girl who posts on this blog? Anyways, you know what time it is?

"GUESS! THAT! EXCUSSSSSEEEEE!"

That's what my life would be like if I had a studio audience.

Jimmy: 

Howdy there! My name is Jimmy James! Alrighty folks, today we have quite the excuse for you! to guess! We'll show you the clues, and you tell us why you think Lady Elisabeth hasn't been writing. Let's get started! Here's your first clue:

Jimmy: Okay, anybody want to guess yet?

BZZZRP!

Jimmy: 

Mary Sue?

Mary Sue:

 Oooh! Oooh! Ooh! She quit blogging to pursue a career in acupuncture!

Jimmy:

 I'm sorry, that is incorrect! 

BZZRP!

Jimmy: 

Yes, Brick!

Brick: 

Maybe she ate a chicken?

Jimmy: 

Uh, no... Maybe you guys need another clue!

BZZRP!

Brick: 

Her turtles... uh... needed to... uh... pee?

Jimmy: 

Not quite! Sorry there Brick.

BZZZRP!

Jimmy: 

What do you think Mary Sue?

Mary Sue: 

Her cousin the acupuncturist stubbed a toe?

Jimmy: 

Not even close! Okay, let's show the third and final clue...

Jimmy: Any guesses?

BZZZZZZRP!

Brick:

 Some guy with hair like Mitt Romney's foot got electrocuted?

Jimmy: 

AHHH! So close!

BBZZZZZRRPP!

Mary Sue: 

Some guy with hair slightly like Mitt Romney's foot got electrocuted while recieving acupuncture from Zeus!

Jimmy: 

Way off.

BZZZZZRP!

Elisabeth: 

Her right pinky metatarsal is edema-ed and really painful so she has to wear a hideous surgical shoe while on vacation next week!

Jimmy: 

WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT! SHE'S GOT IT!

Nerdfighteria

I'm proud to be a Nerdfighter for many many reasons. The greatest reason is because of the fantastic community that comes with it. I met on wednesday my newest friend and my first IRL nerdfighter. Literally an hour after meeting we were mutually squee-ing about the movie version of The Fault In Our Stars that is coming At Some Point.

Seriously, in the middle of a crowded supermarket. Then she watched me and our other two friends eat a barbecue potato chip chocolate bar. (She just moved to our area from England, so it was kind of a "welcome to America" moment) Unfortunately, barbecue potato chip chocolate is hugely nasty.

Of course, the internet is where Nerdfighteria is primarily based. I mean, just do a quick google search! I've personally not gotten much out of the nerdfighter ning (although I do have a profile). 

I surprisingly find my fellow nerdfighters on GifBoom. Yes, it's pretty much instagram with gifs, and the #nerd hashtag does have a LOT of "nerds" and hipsters-who-think-they're-nerds. But I've found that I am not the only nerdfighter on GifBoom. Plus I started my own hashtag (#realnerds) to differentiate from said "nerds" and hipsters-who-think-they're-nerds.

dftba, Lady E!!!!

Infinity Under A Roof

I started going to the library pretty much every day, and it's groovy.

I get to spend two hours reading the book of my choice in the universe's grooviest (albeit least comfortable) chairs.
Plus, on the wall is a quote by Gail Carson Levine (FAIREST! TWO PRINCESSES OF BAMARRE!):

"A library is infinity under a roof."

God, she's amazing. I love that beyond words.

Recently I've been reading the Song Of The Lioness series by Tamora Pierce, and I'm really enjoying it.
My friend Elf (who you may remember from my post about the Hunger Games movie) got me into the series when she let me borrow the first book on a camping trip.

But I have now read all the ones at my library, and I can't place a hold on the last book because I have almost $150 dollars in late and lost fines.
Goodbye sweet babysitting money, I hardly knew ye.

So today I had about fifteen minutes until my mom called to tell me she was there to get me, and I had finished The Woman Who Rides Like A Man, so I was looking for something to read.

I found myself alone, wandering the teen sci-fi/fantasy section, trying to find a book in the only part of the teen
room not infested with paranormal chick lit vampire romance novellas, staring at the same three Star Wars books.
Then I saw it:

Speaker For The Dead by Orson Scott Card.

I collapsed down in the floor and flipped it open, hardly believing my eyes. I had searched long and hard for this book several times, only to find it checked out!
I turned through the pages, practically devouring the words I had been longing for ever since finishing Ender's Game.

Then I looked up and saw my mom and Jayne. standing over me because it was 7:37 and I apparently have no cell reception in the library. Oops.
(On a related note, why is CAR on the very very very bottom shelf of the sci-fi aisle?)

Update on Dragon hunting...

I WOKE UP AT 5 AM! YOU SHOULD AT LEAST HAVE THE COURTESY TO ALERT PEOPLE THE NIGHT BEFORE WHEN YOU ABORT YOUR LAUNCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Space.

As this post automatically updates, I am standing outside in the dark. I'm probably freezing, and definitely tired, because it's 5:02 am. You may be asking, "Lady Elisabeth did you go crazy?!"

No. I'm just watching a spaceship, because right now, the SpaceX Dragon is visible from my backyard for three minutes (according to NASA), and being the nerd that I am, I MUST see it.
It's only fair. after all, One of my friends got to see Discovery twice.

I would just post this after I saw Dragon, but I have other stuff to do.

Actually, I'm babysitting today, and I'm super excited. It's seriously like getting paid to hang out with kids. But with more responsibility. Because I'm responsible.

Yours-written-on-Thursday,

Lady Elisabeth (OF THE PASSSSST!!!!!!!!)

Did you know that On the Origin of Species is really, really boring?

I couldn't think of a relevant title, but this is a post of stuff that I want.

This.

This.

Them.

This.

The patience to do this.

Join me in this groovy quest.

Ah yeah. I'm bringing back groovy. It hasn't been groovy to say groovy for fifty years, so I think it's time. It's a fantabulous word, and it's totally fun to say. Here, watch this video of Liam Dryden talking about bringing back groovy, and try not to swoon every time he says it.

Groovy.

Plus, when you look at fashion, groovy is back. people just aren't saying groovy, but groovy is most definitely back.

Urban Outfitters

Seriously, do I need to keep saying it?

Groovily yours, Lady Elisabeth. Ooh. Trebuchet.