Giving...

...Up.

Yes, you thought this was going to be a lovely post about thanksgiving and all that, but that's for tomorrow, or thursday.
Today I'm going to cry.

there are eight days left, eight days until i cry all night, scream all day, and hate myself for a year.
Because there is no way that i can write 17646 words in eight days.

I have been slacking off, not writing a single word all last week.
I told myself, It's pointless, you'll never finish anyways, so you may as well sit and watch Mythbusters.
So I did. Sort of.

Because in my head, Solace and Noah are positively screaming for attention, and I have ignored them.
I will probably almost definitely fail.

but I will not lie down and cry.

I will go out screaming in a blaze of fire

The Obsession: I will not fail, I cannot win

How many of you are doing NaNoWriMo? If you are, WHY ARE YOU READING MY BLOG???YOU HAVE A WORDCOUNT TO KEEP UP!!!
If you aren't, and have n idea what i'm talking about, basically a bunch of (crazy) people try to write a book in a month.

This is my second year, and last year I failed.
Actually,  I was the only one of my friends who failed, and that feeling kind of hugely sucks.

All my friends and I are writing again this year, and all their ideas are amazing. (one of my friends is writing about a cactus smuggling ring, operating from inside a greek restaurant that's name nobody can pronounce, and was a struggling shoe store in the 80's)

My story is Sci-Fi (you can read a bit on My BFF Potato's and my writing blog) and I love the story, but it's So. Hard. To. Write.
I DO NOT WANT TO FAIL. IT IS NOT AN OPTION IN ANY WAY. Failure makes me feel like crap, and I know, everybody feels like that, but doesn't everybody say "learn from your failure?" I don't. I freak out, I obsess over whatever i've done wrong, and cry.
It's immature, it's unproductive, but it's all I know how to do.

Lady Elisabeth

Weekly Obsession: One. Tiny. Flaw.

I'm going to try to post these weekly, just an insight to my thoughts.


I do karate.
It's amazing, and I would have to say that it's my release. Once I put on my uniform and step onto the mat, suddenly my mind... empties.
Well, that's the wrong way to say it, it's more like my mind simplifies until there is nothing but my own sweat, tears, and determination.

I would say that its the best feeling in the world. Except when something isn't working.

I have no upper-body strength whatsoever, and I melt at things like pushups. I accept that. Okay, I don't accept it, I just know my limits, and I bend them a bit more each time.

What I am really proud of, are my kicks.
I'm tall and (relatively) flexible, so usually kicking is fairly easy, and the more complicated, the more I like it. (For example I adore jump inside roundhouse kicks, where you spin around, jump and do a roundhouse kick in midair, landing gracefully.)

Today, I was working on a combination of kicks, and I had been practicing it a home. I had it. I was exploding into the jump, my kicks were high, and I was hoping my teacher would give me my stripe (literally a stripe of color coded tape meaning I had mastered a specific thing) for it.

He came over to see what I was working on, and said, "Good, but turn your toes down more, it's a side kick."
I flushed. It's a simple pop side kick, and a mistake I make often, but today I felt like I had shot myself in the upward-pointed foot.

I ran through the combination twenty times, trying to fix my imperfection. I didn't just want to get it right, I needed to get it right.
Each time, my toes were an inch off at least.

We moved on to working on something else, and the end of class came.
He didn't give out any stripes.

My mom reminded me that it's an adult class, and my teacher doesn't give out stripes until the testing for the next belt level is coming up, and she's right.

But I still can't help thinking, What if  I had gotten my foot in the exact right position? Would I be one green stripe closer to a brown belt?